Don't Panic!
I'm a moonlighting runner (we’re going on 20+ years of love/hate love), I love the feeling of the wind (or air conditioner) against my face, I love to feel my body systems begin to contract and release to support my movement, I love to feel the counteracting of lightness and heaviness of my muscles with every stride, I love focusing on nothing more than next step and the rhythmic beauty that comes as my feet hit the pavement, but I especially love to feel the way my breathing and heart rate goes from ragged and erratic to smooth, calm and steady and even calmer at my many second wind; I go from "why-on-earth-am-I-runnning-again!? to “GOOD-GOD-THIS-FEELS-GOOD!!!!”………after a really good run, I exit the machine or head to my car resisting the urge to turn around and do it again.
Panic attacks can rise steadily with minimal signs, or fast and furious with no sign...they feel like I'm running, but my body never adjusts, my heart rate never steadies. It's as if all the oxygen has been drained from my muscles..........
I wrote this post at a time in my life where I’d had had two SEVERE panic attacks in just as many days...they were incredibly debilitating and all consuming...they literally broke me into pieces. I was reduced to a puddle of myself in the hallway of my apartment...I couldn't get up, waves of alternating tears and breathlessness consumed and tormented me as I tried to talk myself out of this desperately low place...
My mother sat and watched in horror, but there was nothing she could do.
This wasn't my first panic attack (it's been well over 10 years), but this was the first panic attack I've experienced while in the presence of another person.
When I think back on it, my body has been signaling me for months to find an escape…..a getaway. Recently, I had a friend whose presence has always and immediately put me at ease, she was my air……. almost instantly, being in her environment, sharing space with her, talking or not talking……she became my escape……this was one of many things I always loved about her. Through life's circumstances we hadn't seen each other in a while and eventually I was no longer a priority, upon my realization of this……I guess the walls began to kind of close in on me. I felt like I was dealing with everything completely on my own-My chest began to tighten.
Weeks later, I received an invoice from my school, happily and excitedly welcoming the Fall 2016 students with instructions for our tuition payment, as well as suggestions regarding student housing. I looked at the amount due and my eyes welled with tears. I needed to escape…….I hadn't made myself a priority. I couldn't. I had not made the time for myself. At that moment, the walls continued to narrow in on me -The weepiness began and lasted about a week.
Days later, I was graced with the opportunity to get out of town for a few days. Much needed. I was both resistant and optimistic. It was an extremely difficult trip. There was some fun, but it was often overshadowed by crying myself to sleep, feeling isolated, and an unsatisfied desire to escape even more. I'd daydream of waking in my hotel room and this reality being my life. I'd imagine my dream career and that one of the luxury cars in valet down stairs was mine and that life was good-A life where I was a priority. All Good. Checkout day was rough. I remembered this wasn't my life and I had to go back (I didn't have enough gas to make an actual break for it anyway) and I had responsibilities (ugh. grownup life)-I cried most of the way home.
Hours later. Panic had set in...I tried to take a nap only to feel drowned in my tears. I got up and ran some errands, only to be tormented by my thoughts-I was out of breath by the time I returned, I tried to push through it, but a hug pushed it all to the surface and I collapsed in to an abyss of desperation……eventually I forced myself up and arrived late to work, while fighting tears the entire shift. By the end of shift, I thought I had gotten through it, but was left alone with my thoughts. Streams of tearful fear and uncertainty seared down my cheeks. I didn't sleep that night. This similar reaction and response took precedence over me the next day, which resulted in me having to leave work early.
I'm not sharing this to receive sympathy or create an call to emotional response. I’d just like to share my story with you and let you know I'm right here with you. I'm human and right now I'm a wounded warrior, and I WILL get through this! I want you to know that YOU WILL TOO, WE will do it together.
Please don't ignore your body's need to be comforted by you. Some people will be an escape, but when they leave, are unavailable or when you are no longer a priority you will feel trapped and at the mercy of your environment, so always be sure to know how to prioritize yourself, rescue yourself, cradle yourself, comfort yourself, nourish, recover, heal and restore yourself. You are brilliant, even in the darkest of times, pressure builds diamonds. Take a deep breath and submit to the pressure. You. Got. This.
if you need some help
www.tynesiaevans.com
http://www.publicsafetyfacts.com/2015/04/06/survive-panic-attack/
http://www.inourhands.com/skills-building/help-someone-panic-attack/
